SAs December 1st rolls around, something strange starts to happen – people from the past start coming out of the woodwork. First, people I haven’t spoken to in six months. Start sliding into my DMs.. Then, the exes I have blocked ride the same tube carriage. soon, University friends I’ve moved on from. Walking around the supermarket. I’ve barely opened my advent calendar and everywhere I turn, people from the past are there.
Dating site eHarmony — because there’s a buzzword for everything now — dubbed the phenomenon “marling,” after Jacob Marley, the ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge’s former business partner. Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol. Originally, the term only referred to individuals who were trying to get back in touch during the festive season. A common occurrence, because of us A sensibility of yuletide nostalgia. This trend puts us in a double whammy with cuffing season, the winter months when singletons try to “cuff” or “tie” themselves from a serious relationship.
Exes are encouraged to send annoying, Thought-provoking messages during the Christmas season for any reason. Here are the classics: loneliness, alertness, regret or curiosity. Some people are looking for temporary comfort without long-term intentions, or are a little selfish for validation or closure. Or sometimes it’s just plain old seasonal sentimentality, aka getting into “holiday spirit,” according to psychologist and relationship coach Dr. Lalita Soglani.
But this time of year can see a return to questionable circumstances, and reunions with long-forgotten acquaintances. Former best friendalso in the space of a week, I saw a guy outside Moorgate’s tube station in Bolivia, my old art teacher on the train in Surrey and my ex-housemate’s cheating ex-boyfriend at her grocery store in Clapham. was taking With this deluge of ghost hunts from Christmas past, it’s hard not to question if the universe is playing some kind of sick joke on me.
However, upon further investigation, this is not the result of divine or cosmic intervention. As Dr Siglani points out, during the festive season, many of us indulge in tradition. Between visiting your favorite Christmas lights or returning to the same sleepy village your parents have lived in since you were five, chances are you’ll bump into someone from your past. Plus, this time of year, we might be finding familiar faces in the crowd a little harder than usual.
“During the holidays, the sights, smells and sounds trigger similar memories in the past,” Soglani explains. “These cues activate areas of the brain, such as the hippocampus and amygdala, which are responsible for memory and emotion, to recall old connections and relationships. Relive and feel more meaningful. This heightened state of mind, combined with the emotional nature of the season, matches these occasions increases the importance of
She explains that we often choose to view these occasional encounters as a “sign” because “our brains are wired to look for meaning and patterns, especially during emotionally charged times like the festive season.” At times”. “Psychologically, this is known as apophenia,” she adds, “which is the tendency to perceive connection or meaning in unrelated events. The holidays add to this because they provide symbolism, reflection, And are steeped in high emotions, especially when we’re longing for a connection.
And as far as branding goes, Christmas is essentially an anti-liberty campaign. From John Lewis to Tesco cinema adverts, with family reunions and hugs surrounded by twinkling lights, the “together” and “sorry” messaging is clear with a Yule log out of your head. So, by the time you’ve had a large glass or five of red wine, you’ll surely be more sensitive to the comfort of someone from your past reaching out for a tinsel-studded hand and trying to reconnect. have been
that’s right, SoTempting to answer. But Dr. Siglani cautions that it’s important to distinguish between giving in to your emotional impulses by offering an olive branch to whoever is bothering you, and reuniting with a loved one who validates your life. Increases the method. To figure this out, she recommends a checklist.
“Think about these questions,” she says. “Why did the relationship end? Have those issues been resolved? Does getting back together meet your current emotional and mental well-being? Are you clear on your intentions, and are they in line with what the other person can expect?” Could it hurt your progress since the relationship ended, or could you find yourself opening a door that you know isn’t for you?
Of course, it is possible to have a good experience with a festival reconciliation. sometimes One year, when I was 14 and a fairly large bomb was dropped on my family unit, my father and I went through a period of separation. We hadn’t spoken in months. I screened his calls. Stopped his visits. Then, in December, he found me. “Come on,” he said, “it’s Christmas.”
But in cases where you need to summon the strength to resist, Dr. Soglani and Dr. Elena Torreni of the Chelsea Psychology Clinic suggest five steps to prevent yourself from going to a carol concert with a man. Which you left in the past for some reason. Pause for a minute and consider how you really feel about this person re-entering your life. Remember the past honestly and check that you don’t remember your interactions with rose-colored glasses. Get some brutally honest advice from your friends. Channel your energy into relationships with people who fulfill you or activities that you find interesting. And, perhaps most importantly, set boundaries – say no to their invitations, mute their messages or block their number entirely if you have to.
“When approached mindfully, festive reunions can rekindle precious connections, but only if “When they are rooted in mutual growth, self-confidence and authenticity and not in anxiety or isolation,” says Dr. Soglani. “Just because a collision may feel unusual, doesn’t mean it’s a symptom.” You heard it.
“Ultimately, trust your instincts,” Dr. Torini adds of our often-faulty gut feelings. “And take your time.”
So, the next time the ghost of Christmas past rears its terrifying head, make sure to be fully aware of whether the best course of action is a reunion drink or exorcism. Really, the best gift you can give yourself might be the comfort of knowing you made the choice to click the block button and get them out for good.