Hi Haya,
I struggle to balance a healthy relationship with my younger siblings. They are extremely entitled and often overstep their boundaries when talking to me. We are all in our 20s and there is not a big age gap between each other, but since I am the oldest, I feel they should have respect for me.
It may seem silly to others who may dismiss it as a minor sibling issue, but the way they treat me hurts me a lot sometimes. I want to be a gentle and understanding sister to him, but his often rude behavior only angers me.
I’ve tried my best to maintain a healthy relationship, but it’s hard when it’s just me doing all the effort. Please help me understand how to deal with this situation?
— A frustrated older sister
Dear Big Sister,
I’ve heard how hard it must be to feel like you’re burdened with maintaining a healthy relationship with your siblings, especially when their behavior is causing you pain. Feeling hurt by their actions is not silly at all. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to know the emotional toll it’s taking on you.
As the oldest, I hear the demands and sense of responsibility to be a certain way and I see how much it takes to take on that role. It will be helpful for you to consider the role of responsibility in your relationship.
As the firstborn, you may have unwittingly internalized the role of a caretaker, protector, or even parental figure to your younger siblings. This role often comes with clear expectations—both from your family and yourself—that you should be responsible, mature, and set an example. This can create internal conflict because, while you may feel this responsibility, your siblings may not acknowledge or reciprocate it, which can lead to feelings of frustration and anger. is
Consider your early family environment and how roles and boundaries were established. What messages did you receive as the oldest sibling? Did you have unclear expectations? Who has placed these expectations on you that you are carrying such a burden? What is being done for you when you feel disrespected? Your motivations are your teachers and relationships are mirrors to us that show us what we don’t see within ourselves. A wound that is coming to heal. Understanding these dynamics can help you become more aware of how they are affecting your current interactions with your siblings.
An ideal image of an older sibling can often be at odds with the reality of how you are treated. If your sibling doesn’t respect these expectations, it can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, as you feel that your efforts to maintain respect and harmony are not being recognized. This can result in an emotional vacuum where you feel like you’re doing all you can to keep the relationship going, while they don’t seem to be making the same effort.
It is important for you to know that respect goes both ways in relationships and relationships are built with mutual care and understanding. Being the oldest doesn’t mean you always have to do emotional labor to maintain harmony—your siblings need to contribute to a healthy dynamic, too.
Although I can see that you are trying very hard to keep the peace, it is important that you clearly communicate your needs and boundaries with your siblings. Let’s take a look at what we can do:
- Express how you feel – When you express your feelings to them, focus on your experience rather than blaming or criticizing them (eg, “When you ask me like that If I talk, I feel disrespected and hurt”).
- Audit Your Current Limits – What are your current limits? When they disrespect you, how do you react/behave with them? This can give you insight into what your current limitations are.
- Be clear about what kind of boundaries you will set in the event of disrespect – be very clear about what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. What specific behaviors of your siblings make you feel disrespected? Understanding these motivations is important.
- Contact your limits: Once you’ve determined your boundaries, think about how you can communicate them calmly and assertively. You can say something like, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I need to ask that we talk to each other more respectfully, or I have to walk away from this conversation.”
- Express your boundaries through your behavior: The boundaries you decide to cross need to be reflected in your behavior.
- Focus your attention on: Instead of focusing on changing your sibling’s behavior, focus on what you can do to change your own response. It’s not about controlling them, it’s about controlling how you react to them. This might mean taking a break during stressful moments, practicing deep breathing, or finding a healthy outlet for your anger.
- Empower yourself to walk away: If you’ve communicated your boundaries and your sibling continues to cross them, it’s okay to back out of situations that don’t respect your boundaries. Sometimes, the most powerful way to show respect for yourself and your needs is to disconnect.
- Reset the situation: Instead of seeing it as a struggle to change your siblings, see it as an opportunity to strengthen your boundaries and communication skills. You’re learning valuable lessons about handling difficult relationships, which will serve you well in other areas of life.
Remember, you can’t control others, but you can discover and recreate your patterns and beliefs, control your actions, your reactions and how you show up in your relationships. By empowering yourself to take these steps, you can change the dynamic and create more peace in your interactions and remember that change takes time.
– Humility
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellness strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures that focus on wellness and mental health awareness. produce
Send him your questions. [email protected]
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