Hi Haya,
I’m a guy in my late 20s and struggle with managing the people I supervise at work. Although I am very professional and try to make things as easy as possible, something always goes wrong.
This worries me a lot because I am currently in a management position and I am supposed to lead my team by example. But sometimes, it becomes very difficult for me to make sure that they follow my instructions.
A big part of the problem is also my soft-spoken nature and people often take advantage of that. I’m not usually an aggressive person, so people who work under me often think that I can’t be assertive. I’m willing to be cooperative and kind when and where possible, but now it’s really bothering me.
– A struggling manager
Dear Struggling Manager,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience — it takes self-awareness and courage to admit the areas you want to improve. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’re facing a challenging dilemma: with the tenacity necessary to effectively navigate kindness and cooperation where you’re expected to lead by example but As well as struggling to ensure that your instructions are followed. .
Let’s get into it.
First and foremost, in order to lead by example (as their manager) you need to have knowledge of the process. For team members to take you seriously on assignments, they need to know you know your subject, have a solid grasp of what you want to do, can trust you. And you can provide solutions to their concerns. Even if you haven’t done everything yourself, having in-depth knowledge will enable you to delegate tasks more effectively.
You say it’s because of your soft-spokenness that no one takes you seriously. Being soft-spoken and kind isn’t a weakness—it can actually be a strength when wielded effectively. These traits often build trust and loyalty within teams. You can be soft-spoken and aggressive at the same time. However, it is important to know that being aggressive is not the same as being aggressive. It’s about setting clear expectations, holding people accountable, and communicating firm but respectful boundaries.
Aggression is a skill that can be learned and practiced in the following ways.
Communicating expectations clearly: Be specific about tasks, timelines, and outcomes. Avoid vague language. For example, instead of saying, “Try to finish it early,” say, “Please finish by 4 p.m. on Friday.”
Continuous follow-up: Check in regularly on progress and address any deviations promptly with constructive feedback.
Using “I” statements: Express your needs with confidence. For example, “I need everyone to follow through on their commitments because it affects the overall performance of the team.”
To further increase your effectiveness, I would encourage you to set boundaries. Sometimes, being overly sociable can lead others to take advantage of your nature. Practice saying “no” or redirecting responsibilities without feeling guilty. For example, if someone tries to assign their work to you, you can respond with, “I understand you’re busy, but it’s your responsibility. Let me know when I’m on deadline.” How can I help you accomplish this?”
Also, manage your emotional triggers. When things go wrong or instructions aren’t followed, it can be emotionally draining. Take a moment to consider your motivations:
What specific situations bother you the most? How do you usually respond?
Understanding these patterns can help you create healthy responses in the moment.
Additionally, master your communication skills and assert your authority through actions. Communication is a skill that, like assertiveness, can be learned. The way you express yourself affects how you feel about yourself and how others perceive you. This includes your choice of words, tone, body language, etc., and being decisive and confident in your decisions in building authority through action, being able to resolve conflicts directly but respectfully, and recognizing good performance. Include actions and rewards that encourage respect for your leadership.
To summarize, focus on the things in your control. Gaining in-depth knowledge of processes, practicing assertiveness, setting boundaries, mastering communication skills and building authority through actions.
I would like to remind you that you do not have to make this journey alone. Remember half our battles are won when we get support.
You can seek guidance from a senior leader who exemplifies the leadership qualities you aspire to, attend a workshop, or read books on leadership and perseverance. Resources like Brené Brown’s “Dare to Lead” or Randy J Paterson’s “The Assertiveness Workbook” can be helpful. You can also get help from a personalized coach who will work with your concerns and travel-specific approach.
Good luck!
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate wellness strategist and trainer specializing in creating organizational cultures that focus on wellness and mental health awareness. produce
Send him your questions. [email protected]
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