iI’m not ready!” I fainted as I was being wheeled into the caesarean section at 3.30pm to be exact. Was in the diary for months. – It was well planned. But I felt fear.. I wanted to jump off the hospital trolley and make a quick U-turn out of the building. The thought of having a new baby in my lap within 10 to 15 minutes made me cringe. It just felt so quick. The nurse rolled her eyes and looked at me in horror. “It’s getting a little late for all of that now, isn’t it?” He laughed. “You have nine months to prepare. Surely having a baby can’t be a shock!”
Little did I know that the whole experience was going to be hellish as we walked through the swinging doors and into an operating theatre, where I was greeted by a team of doctors in green hospital scrubs. Why did I have to complain anyway? As the nurse pointed out, my surgery was on time, so I didn’t have to hang around in the labor ward crying in pain like other mothers. I didn’t even have to push.
But I feel like I’m being labeled as one of those “too posh to push” moms – even though An increasing number of women are now opting for caesarean section.according to new NHS figures. One in four babies born in NHS hospitals in England were delivered by caesarean section last year. That’s up from 23 percent in 2022 and 13 percent a decade ago. More than half of them were elective, a planned surgery usually done around the 39th week of pregnancy, as mine was.
Although most women seek C-sections for medical reasons, the NHS also allows mothers to choose them for non-medical reasons. I chose to have a c-section on the NHS largely because it was easier for me to plan my life around it. This meant no screeching to a halt in my car outside the hospital, or my water breaking in the taxi. I instead leisurely made my way to the maternity ward.
But, despite feeling relieved, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was somehow letting my side down by having a C-section. I had heard stories from other moms of labor marathons of just 15 hours, usually in a pool of water without medication, and some jumbo bags of dried figs and nuts to munch on for energy. What I realize now, however, is that having a c-section is just as brave as choosing a natural birth. This is not an easy way out.
As I lay on an operating table, I held my large pregnant belly and felt a gentle kick on my baby leg. The team was ready to open me up. They were warm and friendly but in a hurry. The whole thing felt a little scary, like I was inside. Rosemary’s Child. It also felt like I hadn’t properly processed my feelings about him there and then. I desperately wanted a sibling for Lola, who was two at the time, but the reality of being a single mom with two kids felt too much. Not that I didn’t think it through carefully but until you have a child, it’s all unrealistic.
The anesthetist said if I wanted any more of that lovely medicine to calm me down he would give me something else. My best friend Sonya stepped in: ‘No thanks, she’s been sober in 12-step recovery for years – I’ll make her a nice cup of tea.’
The anesthetist told me that I had an epidural anesthetic, which numbs the lower part of your body while you are awake. It meant I could hold my baby right away. My breathing became very shallow. I felt a stir. I tried to answer the questions and even tried to smile, but I was getting nothing. I felt like I was in a bubble.
They started putting something like a tent over my pregnant belly. Then I turned white as a sheet. It was emotional. It brought back all the grief of my partner’s death: he killed himself when we were in the middle of our IVF journey. I used to have my children after his death using his frozen sperm.
When I was numb they started opening my stomach, I started having a full blown panic attack. The lovely anesthetist comforted me and stroked my head, but nothing soothed me. This was not exactly the time for a panic attack. My heart started to beat faster and he injected medicine into a cannula in my wrist. He told me that in a few seconds, I would feel amazing. He was right.
I suddenly saw the world through rose-colored glasses. I felt like I was in a slow-motion tearjerker of a movie with a happy ending. As the anesthetist eased my hand, I told him about my painful journey to this point. By the time they got my baby out, the whole room was crying with joy.
It was freedom. We had done it. She had been on ice as an embryo at an IVF clinic in Russia for two years – and now she was here. I held her in my arms and the anesthetist told me he’d check on me later – and said he’d give me some more if I wanted any more of that lovely medicine to calm me down. I slowly looked up. “Oh yes!” I said seriously. But my best friend Sonia, who was acting as my birth partner, stepped in: “No thanks, she’s been sober for years in 12-step recovery – she’ll be fine now. I’ll make her a good tea.”
I couldn’t move because I had stitches in my stomach but after the ward gave me some heavy duty painkillers I was able to breastfeed my baby. I went home the next day. On top of dealing with a new baby, I had to bandage my wound and make sure it didn’t get wet. I couldn’t drive for weeks. I couldn’t even lift anything heavy, so I couldn’t lift Lola. I couldn’t go to the shops to buy milk and bread because I needed to be quiet, and it hurt to get dressed. I’ve had a scar forever and lived in fear that it would open up, or get infected, when I first got home.
I desperately tried to have a traditional birth with Lola but ended up having an emergency c-section two days after induction. Fetal monitoring showed signs that the baby was in distress. So it wasn’t that I didn’t know the ropes with a c-section – but it happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think. I remember being very disappointed with myself at the time. I attended NCT antenatal classes and learned how to breathe through contractions. I had a bouncy ball. I listened to meditation tapes. I was so ready for a natural birth that I didn’t let the idea go to the bitter end. Now, though, I wish I’d just opted for a C-section in the first place.
The increase in C-sections is due to rising rates of obesity and an increased number of complicated births due to women giving birth later in life. But many women, like me, want to have as much control as possible when we give birth. And both vaginal and cesarean births have risks and benefits. According to Dr Rani Thakur, president of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (RCOG), RCOG “does not promote one form of birth over another”. Hospitals in England have also moved away from meeting targets that limit C-sections to help women make informed decisions about how they want to give birth.
But despite all that, there’s a stigma attached to women who choose to have a C-section for non-medical reasons – like it’s bad or entitled. This is unfair. Giving birth naturally is worn like a badge of honor – and it’s one women who have C-sections never earn. The hard work of having a baby starts when you take them home but until then, let’s all be a little more lenient about the choices we make when it comes to our birth journey. This is one of the most stressful periods of one’s life – let’s not make it any harder than it has to be.