Don’t Try to Be Cool: 12 Tips That Will Make You Better Than Most at Small Talk

If you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of saying the wrong thing at a staff meeting or a friend’s housewarming party, you know how easy it is to let small talk slip.

Common interactions can be difficult to navigate, but incredibly important to master. Small talk can help you connect with a sleazy CEO or in-laws.

This year, CNBC Make It interviewed dozens of experts on what to say, what questions to ask, and the top mistakes to avoid if you find yourself in a room of non-friends.

Here are 12 of his best tips.

Every lasting relationship, whether personal or professional, probably began with an innocuous comment, says speech trainer John Bowe. Written for CNBC Make It.

Instead of focusing on saying something “dark” or “cool,” just observe your surroundings. Saying “Do you know anyone here? I thought I knew more people” or “What do you think of the place?” There is a risk-free way to start a conversation.

“None of those openers are likely to win you a Pulitzer, but a pleasant exchange doesn’t mean you’re shallow or phony,” he says. “You’re putting yourself out there. If your words aren’t terribly original, what is?”

Just because your question is low-risk doesn’t mean it has to be boring. There are simple ways to turn seemingly canned questions into more interesting ones. They say Nicholas Epley, professor of psychology at the University of Chicago.

“Reframing questions in a way that’s vulnerable can seem difficult, but once you start figuring it out, it’s really easy,” she says.

Epley suggests the following exchange:

• “Are you married?” Try instead, “Tell me about your family.”
• Instead of “Do you have any hobbies?” Ask, “If you could learn anything, what would it be?”
• Instead of “Where did you go to high school?” Ask, “What advice would you give a high schooler?”
• “Where are you from?” Instead, ask, “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”

People who are good at small talk tend to use “supportive responses,” says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and professor of communication. expert of It was written last year..

When someone is telling a story, a person who is good at small talk responds in a way that shows they want to know more. Let’s say a coworker is talking about their annoying roommate. The opposite of a support response is a “shift response,” which is when you shift the conversation back to yourself.

A supportive response would be to ask how they met their roommate or how long they’ve been together. A shift response would be to talk about your own roommate’s bad experience.

Being good at small talk usually means having high emotional intelligence. One thing people with high EQ understand is that body language is just as important as the words spoken. Ibrahim says..

“People with high EQ are more open in their posture, they nod more,” says Abraham.

Veteran TV journalist Suchan Pak has interviewed some of pop culture’s biggest icons, including Britney Spears and Oprah. It’s rare, she says, not knowing what to say to anyone. When that happens, he has a “secret” to making small talk that anyone can use.

His biggest tip for keeping a conversation going no matter the setting? “Always keep a few questions in your back pocket that work for everyone,” he Make it, told CNBC.

Her top two favorite questions to ask new acquaintances are: “What do you want people to get out of your work?” and “How did you start doing X?”

An easy way to flatter someone is to ask them for advice by making small talk without complimenting them.

A series of studies from Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania It turns out that we like people who ask for our guidance more than people who want our well-being. We think, “They were smart to ask me for advice because I’m smart.”

The subject doesn’t have to be deep. Let’s say you’re moving apartments soon. An easy way to start a conversation and flatter the other person is to ask someone “How did you decide which movers to use?”

Phones are constantly informing us about items that are not very important. You can probably go an hour without checking who texted you or the latest breaking headline. It may be smart to mute your notifications before entering a situation where you need to be present or attentive.

“If you’re talking to someone, talk to them,” Bowe says. “Don’t look at the floor or over her shoulder at another person. Put your phone away. Be present and give her your full attention.”

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