The Unstoppables There is a series about people whose ambitions are not in sync with the times. Below, Frederick Totten explains, in his own words, what keeps him motivated.
I never wanted to be a painter, to be a writer. I had a craving. It was a longing for life, and I equated life with the life of an artist, a life of freedom, generosity, life with other people who shared the same interest in creating beautiful things together. I thought it was everything in the world.
Part of my longing was to leave the Bronx, where I lived, to get out of the quiet world where everything closed by nine o’clock and there were no bookstores.
At age 15, I dropped out of high school. My dream was to save enough money to live in Paris. I saw “An American in Paris” with Gene Kelly. He is in love with a young French woman, and I remember how I felt when I saw them together. I thought, I want this. I want to meet such a young woman, and we will become lovers. And that I would paint and that would be my life.
I had a friend, John Risco—he was a writer, an artist, and my neighbor—and he gave me Kafka novels and other books that I had never read. We’ll take the subway and go to the art galleries, downtown Manhattan. The experience gave me another taste of life.
I told Risco: “When I try to write, I get restless. I want to quit, go down the street for a cigarette. He said to me: “I guess you Not yet realized, adventure is not out in the street. Adventure is on your table. This is where you discover new things.
The secret is don’t be afraid, don’t fall into the PC mindset. I learned some of this from the women I love. When I’m with the woman I care for, I feel the most myself. Somehow that relationship takes away my anxiety, my sense of smallness. That relationship wants me to be generous, loving and gentle, to be a part of making beautiful things. If you are lucky enough to have the right connection, the right person, you grow.
I am writing a new novel. No one is challenging me to produce this work. There are no expectations.
I feel at this crazy time that I am starting again, with the desire not to repeat myself, to repeat a formula of fiction or painting. I write every day. The work can be daunting; It can be nothing. I can make a fool of myself. What’s unusual is that I look forward to working. I can’t wait to get down to it.
I wake up in the morning, drink coffee and write. After that I go to my terrace and paint. It’s a rhythm that makes me feel alive. It eliminates any notion of age. You are not old, you are not young, you are in the moment.
A famous actress once asked me: “How are you so happy at your age? We’re all so disappointed. You talk like you’re a child,” and I said, “I’m a child.”
Recent and Upcoming Projects: Works in progress include new fiction. A selection of abstract canvases was exhibited at Central Fine in Miami Beach in September. A show of paintings is scheduled for April at Harper’s Gallery in East Hampton, New York. An adaptation of the screenplay “Possession,” written by Mr. Toton and Andrzej Zulawski, who directed the 1981 cult film, will be published this spring.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.