‘How do I get to know a potential spouse better when he doesn’t try hard enough?’

Dear Haya,

I have been introduced by my family to someone with the possibility of marriage. We are just getting to know each other in this early stage.

We’re sharing our likes and dislikes with each other, but through the process I’ve realized that I’m the one sharing more and in turn knowing a lot less about the person. . I’m not suspicious, but it’s just a weird feeling when I reveal every single detail about myself, while the other person isn’t trying hard enough or seems less involved in the process.

I’m just wondering if this behavior is weird or if it’s just me imagining it. I want to know this person well, so that our future is based on getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes, and respecting each other’s differences.

How can I learn more about him, while he tries to back off during the conversation?

– Worried Anon

Dear Worried Anon,

Thanks for sharing a very valuable question that many people can benefit from.

First, it’s completely valid to want to get to know someone on a deeper level, especially when the possibility of marriage is involved. It shows your investment in building a meaningful and balanced relationship.

Before we delve deeper into your query, I’d like to highlight some relationship basics that are absolutely critical in the early stages. Knowing this will help you assess your relationship better.

When we get to know someone, there are certain key signs that are incredibly important to have. Basically, curiosity and persistence.

Curiosity is an essential quality when two people are getting to know each other. It’s about being genuinely interested in each other — where they’re curious about you, and you’re curious about them. Are they present, engaged, and interested in learning more? And just as importantly, do you want to know about them?

Do you find that your connection deepens the more you open up to each other? With more vulnerability, is your relationship thriving? Or not developing and showing something else?

Here are some key signs to look for in the early stages of a relationship.

Now let’s consider your query.

I’ve heard you say that your sense of curiosity feels missing in your current dynamic, and I invite you to take a moment to reflect on a few things for yourself.

When you mention that you’re the over-sharer, I’m curious — do you share when asked or without being asked? How does that make you feel when you say you know less about it? How about giving him space to be curious about you instead?

You’ve observed that he’s not particularly interested, so I’ll ask – what does interest look like to you? It takes curiosity and interest to really get to know someone. Do you feel that you are curious about him or do you wait for him to initiate? Curious to learn more about it, what would it be like for you to step into the steering conversation? What would it be like for you to take the lead in a conversation instead of waiting?

Clarifying expectations can also be helpful. Sometimes, mismatched expectations about communication – especially in the beginning – can cause problems. It’s okay to gently express your needs by saying something like: “I’m really enjoying our conversation, but I’d love to hear more from you. It’ll make me feel closer and get to know you better.” It helps to know.”

This kind of openness invites balance without sounding like a complaint.

I encourage you to try some of these methods and see if anything changes. If it does, that’s great. If it doesn’t, take that as valuable feedback to yourself about the dynamic.

You’ve expressed a desire to build a strong foundation for the future, and while it’s important to know likes and dislikes, relationships require a lot more.

To begin with understand yourself. First understand what your own non-negotiable needs and values ​​are when it comes to important areas like religion, children, and what a fulfilling life looks like for both of you.

Remember, this step is all about discovery. It’s okay if things feel rough at first—your role is to discover if you’re truly compatible. A healthy relationship should feel like a partnership, where both people contribute to building trust and understanding.

You are doing the right thing by seeing this and addressing it as soon as possible – it reflects your care and foresight in reaching such an important decision. Trust yourself and your instincts; Often our intuition and body know the answers before our brains do.

– Humility